Portland, Maine, as assessed by Google Reviews: September, 2013 Edition

While trying to find their holiday hours online, I found a review of the Maine Mall as written by a concealed carry / Apple Store enthusiast. Inspired by this glorious finding, I poked around Google (and Zagat) Reviews to see how Portland looks to those who care enough to share their feelings [often anonymously] with the rest of the Internet.

While Arabica [one of my very favorite shops] received a little over a 4/5 star review on average, Joseph had filthy, crappy service and his bad experience definitely had nothing to do with his filthy, crappy attitude presented in the form of Hemingway sentences.

Binga’s Stadium also averages 4/5 stars, and while this user doesn’t really care for the food, he is going to go ahead and trust the opinions of everyone else on this one.

Dunkin Donuts on Warren Ave averages just about 3/5 stars, but Nate sees its cigarette-smoking employees as a harbinger of everything that is wrong with this country today.

The Maine Mall maintains a 3.6/5 star average, but Brian is displeased with the fact that while he loves the Apple Store, not being allowed to carry a gun in the mall is anti-American.

As is also the case for me, trips to the mall trigger in this anonymous user feelings of existential despair.

Of the Hannaford on Forrest Ave, this user has come upon some beautiful ladies. It maintains a 3.8/5 star average.

Of the Hannaford in South Portland (about 3.8/5 stars), which I actually find more remarkable on the “beautiful ladies” front as far as Hannafords go (alternatively, my wife is a big fan of Whole Foods, which boasts a good deal to offer in the good looking dads department), this anonymous reviewer appreciates the patience of the employees.

Speaking of beautiful women, this reviewer finds the waitresses at PT’s Showclub quite comely. PT’s averages 3.5/5 stars.

While I appreciate Mike’s right to express his opinion, I hope that he appreciates my right to believe, based solely on this review, that he is a total dick. Silly’s, which is awesome on all fronts and run by a very sweet staff, averages 4.3/5 stars.

The insufferable prose into which this user renders her experience at the Starbucks on Congress St. (4/5 star average) somehow accomplishes the Herculean feat of making me, for about 30 seconds at least, sympathetic to a Starbucks.

While the Middle Street Starbucks (3.4/5 star average) is better than the Congress Street one, it is no where near as awesome as the recent redesign of one in Brentwood. In Los Angeles. In California. Have I mentioned that I have been to the Starbucks in Brentwood, LA? Where are my gold-plated bidets, Starbucks on Middle Street? Get with the program. At least this user has the decency to suggest a great, local alternative. Or a filthy, crappy, crappy, filthy alternative, according to Joseph.

This user offers insights on the trashcans at the Cumberland Farms on Washington Ave, Pine St., and Forest Ave respectively. The first two locations average 1 out of five stars while the one on Forest averages 2.

At some point about 4 years ago, “He” tried to fight this anonymous user at Paul’s Food Mart, which averages a 3.4/5 star rating. Side note: Another reviewer, Henry, offers this tip: “A few people say the food they buy is 3 weeks past the expiration date. Well always check the expiration date before buying it.” Thanks for the advice, Henry!


Alex Steed

About Alex Steed

Alex Steed has written about and engaged in politics since he was an insufferable teenager. He has run for the Statehouse and produced a successful web series. He now runs a content firm called Knack Factory with two guys who are a lot more talented than himself.